You Can't Make Me Like It! Post #3 - Holiday Edition!

I haven't written a "You can't make me like it" post in quite a while - if you aren't familiar with this, it is all the things I think of on an every day basis that I cannot STAND but that everybody else in the world seems to *LOVE*.  I've come up with a holiday/winter-ish edition to this collection of tasty tidbits.  You're welcome!:)

1.  Black Friday.  After eating a crapload plate full of tryptophan with all the trimmings nothing sounds more hellish to me (okay, almost nothing) than heading out to go "BARGAIN SHOPPING" at Walmart at midnight with all the other Black Friday freaks.  Nooooo thank you.  I enjoy my sleep too much and shopping at Walmart is *NEVER* appealing, let alone in the middle of the freakin' night!  I much prefer Cyber Monday where I can shop at my own pace, in my pjs, without sweating.

2.  Fuzzy animal head hats with ears.  Do you know the ones I'm talking about?  All of the sudden I am seeing *LOTS* of people wearing these.  In PUBLIC!  Now, I can see a three-year-old kid wearing one of these dorky hats, but an adult man in a panda hat?  Really, people??

3.  "Santa Baby."  As in, the song.  I've heard several versions and they all irritate the DAYLIGHTS outta me. I'm not sure which is worse, the older versions or the MEGA-ANNOYING Madonna version. In fact, I think if I hear it one more time this Christmas season (and the season has just begun!) I might break out in hives.

4. Pumpkin pie.  I know, I know...what am I, like, un-American?!  I have seriously tried to like it and I just don't. For Thanksgiving this year I made an interesting variation that was a CHOCOLATE pumpkin pie.  Sounds gross, but it actually didn't really taste like pumpkin...more like chocolate pie with cinnamon...made the pie somewhat bearable. And while we're on the subject of pie, just what jackwagon came up with the idea of mincemeat?!?!

5. Snow. I know I've mentioned this one before, I don't like to be cold. I think maybe snow would be more enjoyable in a city that actually knows how to handle it and where the world doesn't shut down for three snowflakes. I can handle snow for like, a day, cuz that's when it's pretty. Then, I need to get out of my house and go tanning or something. (Just kidding, I don't really go tanning anymore- I heard you all judging me!!!)

6. Walnuts. Not sure why I think of walnuts when making my holiday list of stuff I don't like, but for some reason they came to mind.  Some people like to put walnuts in baked goods at Christmastime.  That's a good way to screw up a perfectly good cookie, folks.

7. Always saying "Happy Holidays" instead of "Merry Christmas."  I'm *really* tired of being politically correct.  I know not everyone celebrates Christmas, but I do, so if I see you, I'm going to say "Merry Christmas."  Don't blow a gasket or anything. Have some egg nog.

Last Christmas, I gave you my heart...JACKA$$!

Today I was driving down the freeway, on my way to an appointment - flipping through radio stations trying to find something good.  Let me just tell you, there are THREE, count 'em THREE radio stations that are already playing nothing but Christmas music 24/7.  It is November 16th, folks.  I just threw out my rotting Halloween jack-o-lanterns.  Son of a nutcracker!

Anyhoo - I landed on one such station and as much as I wanted to turn the channel, I couldn't.  Why you ask?  Because they were playing "Last Christmas" by WHAM. (If you have speakers, now is your cue to turn them UP because at the time of this post it's on the top of my playlist;)  Should I be embarrassed that I still love that song?  It is the quintessential Christmas song of the early 80's, and I love it. When I hear it, I can't help but be FLOODED with memories of silly 7th and 8th grade dances in the dark gymnasium-transformed-into-love-palace that was our Jr. High gym. Paper decorations on the walls, tinsel hanging from the florescent light fixtures, strobe lights and mistletoe...mistletoe?  WHO BROUGHT the mistletoe?  (OMG, so-and-so brought mistletoe!  You know what that means!  He's gonna try to KISS HER!)  Sorry, I got caught up in the moment there.

So this song has me back there in that gym. Shy kids up against the wall, acting like they really didn't want to dance anyway.  Not-so-shy kids slow dancing, girls' arms around the guy's neck, boy's hands on the girl's waist  - side to side, side to side, side to side... (let's face it, it was 80's dancing, and we weren't that good). We thought we were so old.  SO grown up. There were girls crying in the bathroom because their boyfriend broke up with them RIGHT before the dance (a-holes), or because the guy they were in *LOVE* with was dancing with another girl to THEIR SONG (hussy), or because their VERY BEST FRIEND IN THE WHOLE WORLD (who was friends with them that morning while eating Smurfberry Crunch for breakfast!) decided she hated her now because she wore generic Keds and shopped at Sears.  Ah - Jr. High.  Don't those memories just make you smile?  No?  Well, I still like the song anyway.

Now, I have no idea if middle schools still have dances like this but as a parent of an almost-middle-school son and daughter, I certainly hope they do not.  Because I know what I was doing what some kids were doing at those dances...and let's just say we didn't have the *best* supervision.  I have a feeling what goes around comes around and I'm sure my parents will be smiling and nodding their heads in understanding when I *get* to experience my own children in middle school.  Not ready for that next year.  Nope, NOT ready!

For the Girls

My girlfriends. Most of us have been friends since childhood - or at least since we were teenagers. Some of them became my friends a little later.  We have been through *A LOT*. We've argued over stupid boys drama and we've cried together through breakups, divorces, weddings and the births of our babies.  We've held each other after miscarriages and loss of parents. We've laughed our asses off at the comedy that is life, bitched about dieting, jobs and people who've screwed us over. We've partied like rock stars braided each other's hair, reminisced about old times and sometimes gone weeks or months without talking only to pick up like no time has gone by. 

I know if I need them, any single ONE of them (or all of them at the same time for that matter) they will be there, in all their gorgeously honest glory, whether I like it or not. They are TOUGH and their strength inspires me. Their words of encouragement pick me up off the ground at times, even if I don't want to hear it. That's what I love about these girls. Their laughs make it all okay and we carry each other.

Thankful

Sometimes I think I *THINK* too much about what I should write instead of just writing. Things happen all day long, and I think, "is that blog -worthy? or is that just worthy of a quick Facebook status update?" Silly, really...because it really is all blog worthy. I created this darned thing so I could make note of life and not forget funny happenings - one day maybe I'll finally get a book published, but for now, this is my outlet.

November, as well all know, is a month for giving thanks. We thank our veterans, we thank our families, we thank GOD for giving us the things we have and for taking care of us. It's easy to lose sight of the things we have to be thankful for - especially in our crazy busy lives when we all want things NOW, and FAST, and EASY. It's just not the way it goes, folks - but we are selfish little things and when things don't go our way it is easy to lose that focus of thankfulness. The last few months, for me, have been nothing short of brutal when it comes to this...I keep praying for the things that I think I *NEED* to happen and this little voice keeps telling me "you don't know WHAT you need."  

So I'm taking a step back today, taking a deep breath, and thinking about what I am REALLY thankful for. And it's things like this - the funny, sweet, laughable, heart-melting moments of this week that make me wake up and smell the thankfulness.

*While my husband was packing for a trip oversees last weekend, my littlest guy, Mr. Fredricksen, laughed for 20 minutes straight about Daddy packing "Toilet Treats" (toiletries) in his suitcase. He makes me laugh HARD every day. Thankful - because this kind of laughter is sooooo good for the soul.

*My daughter insisting that our dog wanted sloppy joes for his birthday dinner - and as it turns out she was right. Note to readers: Dogs *LOVE* sloppy joes! Thankful for the thoughtfulness of my girl, giggles and dog parties.

*My big, tough, almost-11-year old son calling me from home when he was so sick - needing me to come home. *NEEDING* his mom for the first time in a really long time. I guess we never grow out of needing our moms every once in a while. Thankful to be needed.

*A text message from my Mom and Dad - on a day when they knew I needed it the most - that simply said "We love you." I love you both too - more than I tell you, more than I could ever show you. Thank you for *ALWAYS* having my back. Even when I was hard to love.

*A Facebook status update from Japan - my husband saying "Hang in there, Honey! Missing my family!" They say the people you love the most are the ones you take for granted. When you have a change to your routine, a little separation for a bit, I think that can be good. You begin to remember what it is that you fell in love with about a person - you start to recall the things you really appreciate about your partner. Thankful for my best friend - looking forward to having him home.

*And lastly, this morning, I woke up to a little smiling cherub face close to mine saying "Good Morning!" I had been dreaming about these things, these moments of thankfulness this week so it was fresh in my mind and I put my arms around my littlest pal and told him I was ever so thankful for him. He just smiled and hugged me tighter. "I'm thankful for you too, Mama."

**heart. melting.**

♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥

Now I get it. I get what I really need.

Happy 4 Months til the 4th of JULY!

I haven’t written a new entry in so long – but it’s not because nothing hilarious has happened (I feel like my life is a comedy show minus the laugh track)…it’s because I have had the worst case of writers block. EVER.

I don’t know about anyone else but I am so OVER the cold weather. I’m tired of being freezing all the livelong day. I notice that at this time of year, every year, I start looking for jobs in warm places…southern California, Arizona, Hawaii…it is my thing. I do it every. single. winter. Because let’s face it, winter in Portland SUCKS. It’s cold, it’s wet, it rains every hour of every day…LAME-O. But I woke up this morning with a new attitude! Why? Because when I thought about the date, March 4th, I not only thought of my friend Morgan (Happy Birthday, Dillhole!:) but I also realized that just FOUR SHORT MONTHS from right now we will be celebrating the 4th of July. I will be wearing flip-flops, hanging out on my deck with a cold beverage, smelling bar-b-que and eating homemade ice cream. I will continue to think about this in order to get myself through the day and try not to focus too much on the fact that I can’t feel my feet.

Pardon Me, That Was My Shoe Farting...

Everyone has their favorite pair of comfortable shoes. My favorites to wear to work were a sensible pair of black Clarkes that my mom had given me. I loved them so much that I wore the soles right off of them – seriously…for several days last week I couldn’t figure out what this “clicking” sound was when I walked. My husband grabbed my shoe and turned it over so I could see the bottom. “Hello???” he laughed, “Don’t you ever look at the bottom of your shoes??” There, to my dismay, was the culprit of the clicking…a ginormous hole in the bottom of my right shoe, and all of the metal “guts” of the shoe exposed. Bummer.

So I broke down and headed to Macy’s to find a new pair. After trying on a few choices, I settled on another pair of cute but comfortable, sensible (and not cheap!) Franco Sartos. I’m not trying to win a beauty contest with these shoes or anything, but I want something that can look good with dress pants or jeans and that are comfortable enough to wear every day in the pouring down Portland rain during the fall and winter months. I found this pair fast and was excited to wear them and not have to listen to the clicking…

What could be worse than clicking shoes, you might ask? Farting shoes. Yes, people, apparently it is a widespread problem. I wore my new shoes for the first time yesterday and to my horror the left shoe expressed its, er, flatulence, LOUDLY, with every single step I took. Holy crap, this was embarrassing. Forced to explain my situation to every passerby I found myself saying, “Do you hear that?” (like they couldn’t) “That’s my shoe, I swear.”

I took off the shoe, tried stretching out the top, thought maybe it was because the leather wasn’t broken in yet. Nothing seemed to help.

I hit the internet to find a solution. Just so you know, there are entire web forums dedicated to farting shoes and what to do about them. It seems to be a very common occurrence – in fact, everyone I talked to about my “problem” yesterday said they had at least one pair of farting shoes. Nice. Comforting to know I am not alone. Some people even resort to throwing their farting shoes away! (If you really care, I solved the problem by putting on socks today…voila! No more noises! Although this kind of misses the whole point of having expensive buttery leather next to my feet…)

So…moral of the story: it happens to many, so you need not hang your head in shame. If the shoe farts, wear it.

You can't make me like it - Entry #2

Since my last entry of this same title, I have actually thought of about 47 things I don't like that everyone else on the planet seems to love. Every time I think of one, I think I should write it down so I remember...but I never do, so I forget most of them. Here are the ones that I remember for now...

1. Yoga - I've tried it. Hate it. Too boring. I need action! Excitement! Kick-ass tunes! In case you hadn't heard, yoga has none of these.

2. Meat with any kind of fruit sauce - I'm not even a big meat-eater, but in the past few years have started eating some poultry and fish again after a long hiatus from eating anything with a face. Sorry - but any kind of fruit "glaze" on meat...whether it is raspberry-glazed salmon or apricot-glazed chicken...is just nasty. Meat alone or with a savory sauce = good. Meat with fruity, froo-froo, sweet, girly-sauce = gross, according to the tenspot.

3. Exercising - yes, I go to the gym regularly, but it is out of necessity because I swear I was not born with any sort of metabolism. I don't think I will ever do it because I LOVE it. I've tried, but let's face it, it sucks.

4. Mechanical pencils - You can never get anything done because the lead continually breaks off. You spend the entire time clicking out new lead! I need power and strength behind my writing, not fragile little pieces of annoyance.

5. Recycling, saving the planet, and living all "green" - Hey, don't get me wrong, I love our planet and know our earth is amazing, but the word "sustainability" drives me batty because it is so overused...and I kind of miss the days when we didn't have to wash our garbage. (I fully know I'm going to get hammered for this one - take it easy, people...this is all in fun:)

6. Electronic calendars - I'll admit, I am old-school when it comes to my scheduling habits. I still have one of those old flip-a-week calendars on my desk that I can actually WRITE on. I know, I know, we are in the age of technology and I do get appointment requests via Outlook, but due to my own unwillingness to change I still have to write it down.

7. Running/Jogging - again, I have tried to like it. Have you noticed that runners all look like they are in PAIN?

8. Bumper stickers - Living in the Northwest, you would think there is some sort of law that each person have as many bumper stickers as possible on the back of their car to express their "views." The good thing is, they help me identify idiots on the road.

9. Calling my husband my "hubby" or calling kindergarten "kindy" - these are two really annoying, supposed-to-be-cute words you will never hear me say or write. Oh wait, I just wrote them. CURSES!

10. Gardening - I don't do outside chores and I can't keep plants alive. I have what I like to call a "black thumb." In fact, when I left for college my parents gave me a fake cactus for my dorm room. Yes, a FAKE cactus. They didn't even think I could keep a cactus alive! (Which for the record, I can't...and I couldn't keep my pet turtle alive either.)

Have you seen this guy??

He was riding down the street on his crazy ellipti-bike contraption - (going to work apparently because he had his business attire on and a briefcase-sort-of-thing strapped to his body) and I almost crashed my car into the curb laughing so hard as I passed him.

Oh for the love of pete, thanks for the laugh, man - I needed that.

X-rated X-ercise

Yep, here we go - another story about the crazies at the gym. I think I'll make a new category for these stories...every time I go something weird happens. Okay - so, remind me never to go to the Tuesday night spinning class with, let's call him "Maurice." (I apologize in advance if your name is Maurice, I just thought it went well with the nickname I gave him at the end of the night...) Anyhoo, I've been to spinning quite a few times but I had never been to one of Maurice's spin classes before because I usually do turbo kick-boxing on Tuesdays...

So...back to climbing onto my bike for spin class. The first thing I notice is that this instructor does not play the normal get-your-sweat-on music that the "normal" instructors play for the workout. Maurice is playing some kind of alternative/disco-combined-with-show-tunes music that I have never heard. I don't like it already. The next thing I notice is that instead of being on his bike in the front of the class to lead the workout, he is walking around watching everyone...as if he is critiquing our cycling technique or something. That bugged me as well but I would have preferred THAT to what I was completely caught off guard with when he did climb onto his bike and began cycling along with us...

We were cooking along at a steady pace and a pretty difficult level of resistance, trying to get on the beat of the crazy music he was playing, when suddenly our instructor begins MOANING and breathing so heavily into his microphone...it honestly sounded as if he was making sweet love to his bike - I am not kidding. In between the heavy breathing he sounded as if he was "dirty talking" to the class..."Just a little bit further...a little bit further...don't let me down...YOU CAN DO IT." Then, as if that wasn't distracting enough, the guy on the bike next to me started moaning loud too and CRYING OUT as if...well, you get the picture. I started looking around at the other 30 or so people in class...could they hear this?? Are you freakin kidding me? Seriously, am I on Candid Camera???

Well, the hidden camera crew never did appear and the x-rated sounds of "Moaning Maurice" and the crazy dude next to me continued for 30 minutes (yes, I was watching the clock). I couldn't handle it anymore. I was so disturbed that I jumped off my bike, grabbed my water bottle and left the class as quickly as I could, a whole half-an-hour early. Fortunately my face was already red from the workout so no one could see my flushed embarrassment.

I totally need to stick with kick-boxing on Tuesdays..."hard core" cycling is just not my thing. ;)

Put some clothes on!

I like to go to the gym in the mornings even though it doesn't happen very often (read my last post about my "normal" mornings)...but when I can, I prefer mornings because working out after work is just - well, exhausting. If I can get it done early I always feel better during the day and LOVE knowing that my workout is already done so when I am off work I can just go home and enjoy my little family or whatever fun activity I have planned.

That being said, there is something I really do NOT like about going to the gym in the mornings and getting ready for work with a group of women I do not know. Is it just me, or does anyone else find it absolutely freaking CRAZY when a perfect stranger arrives into your locker room mirror...standing right next to you in all of her naked glory?? And by "glory", I mean National Geographic boobs and un-landscaped nether-regions?

Today, for instance. I had just finished a great spinning workout - there is just something awesome about rocking out and getting all sweaty to some Lady Gaga at 5:30am people! Went to the locker room, took my shower, put my clothes on and ventured over to the lighted mirrors where everyone stands to dry and style their hair and put on makeup. "Oh good, there are enough mirrors that I can have my own today!" I think to myself. Begin drying hair...then move to makeup. So nice...quiet place to get ready. No kids yelling...get to move at my own pace...no rushing...relaxation is setting in...what a great morning...

(cue "Jaws" music, or the "RIE, RIE, RIE" slasher sound, or something else equally as horrifying)

For-the-love-of-all-that-is-holy. Here she comes...the woman who will haunt my thoughts for the rest of my day by sharing my mirror with me. Oh, she doesn't ASK to share my mirror. She just walks right up... in her (not at ALL attractive) nakedness, stands WAY to close to me, and begins putting lotion on her face and combing her hair. Um, HELLO??? Do you see me here? Did you forget a step? The part where you cover yourself? Perhaps you could put a bra on those bad-boys?

I try as I may, as hard as I can, not to look at her...but she is in MY mirror! And there was a mirror free down the way...but no, she is drawn to MY mirror for some reason. I try to keep my eyes averted but have a difficult time doing so. I mean, I'm short! and her "girls" are all up in my kitchen! And I don't even DARE look DOWN...are you kidding me? I don't want to know what kind of creature may be close to touching my jeans. Holy crap, I looked down. Ah! It's a bear! Am I being weird? I'm a girl - it shouldn't bother me that bad to see another woman naked - but hers is not a pretty sight...and she is SO CLOSE and all I can think about is not looking, so that just makes me look more.

I can't get my makeup on fast enough and while shoving all of my belongings into my gym bag, I clumsily try to unplug my hairdryer...reaching in front, as far in front as I can, of her...without touching those...er...things. I escape to the safety of the gym lobby and out to my car.

Scarred for life, barely alive, but still humming Lady Gaga.

Caution...Crazy Woman on the Loose!!!

If you ever see me first thing in the morning and wonder why I have a crazed look in my eyes or look like like I have already put in a full day, it's because I feel like I already have. My husband leaves for work (and always has) around 4 o'clock every morning...so, that leaves me with the three kids - ages 2 to 9 - by myself (and the dog, who is also super high-maintenance, so he might as well be called a kid) and it is up to ME (me? I'm still a kid too, right?) to get them all up, dressed, fed, watered, taken outside (the dog, not the kids), lunches packed, homework in backpacks, daycare bag packed with five changes of clothes for the potty-training kiddo...and mind you, this is AFTER I've spent an hour getting myself showered, dressed, hair done, makeup on, ready for work and dishes done from the night before...without being ONE minute late or I'll get caught behind the stupid bus that comes down our street.

We load in the car, take one kid to daycare and the two older kids to school and then I get to trade my "mommy" hat in for my "professional" hat for ten hours. Some days it is just too much. Some days I feel like running away from my house, screaming down the street in my bathrobe...but with my luck I'd get hit by that stupid bus.;)

My name is not Susan...

…Or Kristen, or Kristine, or Christian, or Kristie. It is Kristin. Say it with me...KRISTIN. I have absolutely no clue why my name is so hard for people to say and spell, but you would think I was named something completely CRAZY with two silent Q’s or something. Each and every day – several times a day, I am not kidding you – somebody calls me (or writes to me) by something other than my name. It’s not only that they don’t remember it’s an “In” instead of an “En” (and yes, I have definitely made matters worse since adopting this nickname “Ten” from my teen years…everyone is now thoroughly confused), but they add more letters, different letters, and completely wrong pronunciation! At one point in a meeting earlier this fall, a representative from a consulting firm proceeded to call me “Susan” throughout the entire meeting, no matter how many times I corrected him. Finally, at the end of the session, when he thanked me for my time and said, “It was really nice to meet you, Susan” I just smiled and nodded my head. Nice to meet you too, dillhole.

Shut your pie hole...

So, I'm in the dressing room of one of my favorite stores on Saturday (which will remain nameless, but sells A LOT of black and white clothing:) and this woman/girl/annoying idiot was in the dressing room next to me when a sales associate knocks on her door and asks if she is doing alright with the items she is trying on.

She answers in her totally tubular, best valley-girl accent "Um, well, this EXTRA small is just like, still too big. Do you have this in, like, an EXTRA EXTRA small?"

I heard this and then caught a glimpse of myself in the mirror, trying to stuff myself into a size I thought was appropriate. Without missing a beat, I turned toward the voice on the other side of the wall and promptly stuck out my tongue and flipped her the bird with both hands simultaneously.

Sometimes I may act like I'm 13 or so, but it felt good, even if she couldn't see me...:)

You can't make me like it - Entry #1

Maybe hate is a strong word, but I have often thought about writing a book on this subject of the "stuff I hate that everyone else in the world seems to love." There are soooo many things in this world that people seem to LOVE with a passion that I just don't get. In fact, I have a strong DISLIKE for a lot of these things. This will be the first entry of many, I'm sure, because I seriously think of several items a day. Maybe I am odd, yes, but here are the ones I have thought of most recently:

1. Watching the Olympics. I know this sounds very unpatriotic, and I'm honestly not...I just don't enjoy watching Olympic sports on TV. Especially WINTER Olympics. Ice skating, skiing, snowboarding... I just don't get it. Which brings me to the next item on my list...

2. Participating in outdoor sports that require cold weather and/or snow. I would rather put a fork in my eye (actually I'd rather be laying on a sandy beach sipping a pina colada), than even try any of the above activities. Sounds HORRIBLE to me. Horrible. You might call me lazy. I call myself recreationally selective.

3. Drinking cocktails while watching a movie. There are all sorts of venues around town that offer the "luxury" of being able to have a beer in a movie theater. I don't get it and I don't like it. If I'm going to have cocktails, I want to be able to chat with friends...if I'm watching a movie, helloooo...there can be no chatting! What genius thought of this concept?

4. The Beatles, The Rolling Stones, Bare Naked Ladies, and Beyonce. I don't like this music. I don't even want to talk about it actually...just the thought of some of these songs makes me throw up in my mouth a little.

5. Heelies. Every time a kid goes flying by me in the grocery store or runs into me in the mall on those stupid little shoes with wheels, I have a secret daydream of seeing them wipe out.

6. Camping. I'm okay for like, a night...but then I need a bed and a shower. I don't like the dirt, or the lack of bathrooms, or the lack of good sleep that comes with being outside in the cold at night. "Roughing it" to me is a two-star hotel.

7. Chicken Wings. Um, two words: fat and tendons. That's all they are. Not to mention I don't eat anything off a bone. How about a nice basket of spicy fat, skin and tendons to dip in your blue cheese dressing? Disgusting!

8. Hiking. I am always convinced there is a cougar getting ready to pounce around the next corner. That, and there are always bees.

"Don't take life too seriously - no one gets out alive anyway"...(author unknown)

I have seriously been thinking about starting a blog for years. However "thinking" about starting a blog and actually doing it are very different. (I know! Shocking!) I would decide on it and then...another 6 months goes by...I still haven't created it, I still haven't documented all of those silly stories about my family, funny quotes from my kids, or random thoughts I get while driving down the road...well, that all ends now. I've gone and done it. I hope to make this a place - not necessarily for anything too deep - but instead a place of fun, humor and total randomness (is that even a word?) It feels like everyone is much too serious these days. and I don't know about you, but I could use a few more laugh lines. Stay tuned!